Couples Therapy with Trauma and Abuse Survivors

Sat, 28 Apr 2012 18:59:04 -0700

We all come into relationships with past issues. Trust, ability to be intimate, anger management, mental and physical health limitations and childhood trauma are among the most common. Each issue colors, although in a different way, how we deal with current stressors and disagreements. This article will look at how having a partner who has survived childhood abuse (sexual, emotional, physical) can affect the relationship.

First let me say that I believe that people are unconsciously attracted to those whose psychological challenges fit together with their own. Their backgrounds may be entirely different, but a couple’s strengths and deficits interconnect in a way that feels familiar - feels "like home". So I never look at a couple, where one of them has experienced childhood trauma, and think that that particular person has a problem and the other doesn't. Yet, I often receive calls from partners of childhood abuse survivors saying, " We are having problems - can you fix him/her?" My answer is always the same: "I can't fix anybody, but I can look at how you two interact and hopefully help you both modify your behaviors". If the person I am speaking with is not prepared to take any responsibility, I never hear back from them.

That said, if childhood trauma is not acknowledged and dealt with soon after it occurs, there are lingering negative effects that can hinder adult relationships and hinder the ability to be emotionally and sometimes sexually intimate. The desire to be in a safe and loving relationship can be undermined by the survivor's past experience of betrayal and cruelty by loved ones. Each person deals with trauma in a different way depending on their particular circumstances and their temperament. But all unhealed trauma causes emotional dysregulation and low self-esteem. Trauma survivors expend more energy than others managing anxiety, depression and anger. Those who have repressed memories experience unexplained emotional triggers, nightmares, and/or intrusive negative thoughts.

Children whose trauma was either never acknowledged or purposely invalidated, had to find their own way of surviving the incident(s). If they were betrayed by loved ones they either disassociated from their feelings, compartmentalized - there was the good daddy and the bad daddy - or they turned against themselves and adopted the story that they were to blame for everything that happened.
As adults, that means of survival turns into self-loathing.

People who are attracted to unhealed trauma survivors are often caretakers or controlling types. They often come from homes where boundaries were not respected (i.e. emotionally fused families, alcoholic families, families with emotional abuse). They are drawn to their partner's wounds and emotional

fragility. That connection can create even more emotional dysregulation in the relationship, or it can be used to heal.

When working with couples where one partner has been identified as an abuse survivor, I first look to create safety - safety with me, safety with their partner, and safety within themselves. "In situations like this, people often feel unsafe in their bodies and confused in their thinking. Feeling safe in your primary relationship is a crucial place to begin to rebuild trust and safety in your world." (Phillips and Kane, "Healing Together", 2008, p. 20).

The survivor may have told their partner the story of their past - perhaps many times. Even so, revisiting the trauma in a psychological setting can confirm and validate their feelings in a manner that creates a deeper connection between them. And connection is what the survivor needs most. Because one of the most insidious effects of abuse is that it disconnects the child leaving him/her feeling isolated, ashamed and unlovable. That sense of isolation and feeling different and unlovable is carried into adulthood. The most innocent behavior by their mate can trigger traumatic memories and defensive reactions in an abuse survivor. The therapist needs to help the couple jointly process how the past influences the present.

The next step is to help the partners find new ways of interacting. Clear communication and active listening promotes emotional regulation for the abuse survivor and mutual respect in the relationship. This in turn creates safety and stabilizes the relationship so that more nuanced problem solving of current issues can take place.

Mindfulness of your own behavior and how it impacts your partner is an important part of couples work. When you are dealing with a person with past trauma it is even more important. Together the couple needs to explore the emotional triggers that derail them. As with revisiting the story of an abusive past, exploring emotional triggers in a safe setting with your partner, helps the survivor feel seen, loved and supported. The result is a positive reconnection for the survivor and hope for the couple.

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT
2012

Somatization - The Secrets Our Bodies Hold

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 10:25:11 -0800

Our bodies cry out in two ways - either through emotion or illness. When we understand our body's pain we articulate it. When we can't understand it, we are overwhelmed by emotional and/or physical sensations. And we feel powerless. While we need to understand what is happening to us, we may not always find the answers. But we can make peace with our emotions, just as we learn to make peace with other unanswerable events in our life - and in fact, with life itself.

I deal with Trauma in my work. I work extensively with adults who have been sexually, emotionally or physically abused as children. I see the effects of trauma, years, even decades, after it occurred. While just about everyone experiences traumatic events; it is not the occurrence of trauma but how an individual deals with a traumatic event(s) that determines the impact it will have on his or her life. When trauma occurs at a very early age, it is just as important, maybe even more important, how the adults caring for the child deal with it. If trauma isn't swiftly and compassionately dealt with, it lodges in our system like a cancer. And it can cause symptoms over the years that are chronic and troubling.

Many of my clients who were abused as children, now suffer from chronic pain, chronic fatigue, gastrointestinal disturbances, eating disorders, migraine headaches, Fibromyalgia, Lupus, and other autoimmune diseases. Others, who aren't physically ill, complain of excessive anxiety, uncontrollable anger, continuous self destructive, self-hurting behavior, obsessive-compulsive behavior or "numbing out" (disassociation). This last symptom is a very common reaction to extreme trauma. While they know with every fiber of their being that they have been hurt, many have vague or conflicting memories. Some have no memories whatsoever. Many experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which affects their body's ability to remember and express emotion in a healing manner. But they insist that their body knows the truth.

Every traumatic experience - whatever the age of the victim - triggers a chain of electrical chemical reactions beginning or shooting to the brain and then moving throughout the body. Long-term trauma overwhelms our nervous systems, which can then malfunction producing a chronic, underlying state of dysregulation or imbalance in the body. The result is either continuous over-reactive, hyperactive reactions (panic, anxiety or disassociation) or continuous unresponsive, freezing reactions. The brain cannot differentiate between real or imagined threats. Constant anxiety or hyervigilance wears down the immune system and physical illness can occur as well.

 In the last decade, enormous advances have been made in the field of Neurobiology. While in the past, we believed that most brain development occurred in the first few years of life, we now know that our brains are changing throughout our life - and not just by means of internal biological development. Our brain is continuously affected by and continuously changing through the effect of outside environmental factors as well. We can actually see these changes on brain scans taken over a period of time. We call this ability of our brain to adapt and change, Neuroplasticity.

This is good news. Because while it tells us that we are continually vulnerable, it also tells us that we can continually change. We have the ability to heal ourselves emotionally AND physically - if the physical issues are solely the result of trauma. Overall, the most effective method of treatment has proven to be a combination of psychological therapy and psychotropic medication. Both alter receptors in the brain, which then re-regulate our emotional and physiological states. As we become more aware of how our mind is working, accessing that which is unconsciously hurting us and making it conscious, we can begin to refine and alter our mental experiences.

Roni Weisberg-Ross L.M.F.T
February 26, 2012

Covert/Emotional Incest - How Real Is It?

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 09:34:50 -0800

There are an increasing number of psychology articles and books dealing with covert incest, otherwise known as emotional incest. This form of incest is described as a relationship where a parent turns a child into a partner or confidante that is inappropriate to the child's age and life experience. Or to put it another way, when a child is manipulated into the role of a surrogate wife or husband by a needy parent.

While some refer to this as covert incest, others refer to it as emotional incest.
But is there a difference between covert and emotional incest? And does either term represent a distinct and relevant diagnosis - one that creates long-term psychological damage? Those who call it covert incest say labeling it emotional incest is inadequate because "this label misleads by implying an absence of sexual damage" (Adams, 1991). However, anything I've ever read on emotional incest refers to the sexual as well as emotional impairments created by this relationship. My impression is that there isn't any significant difference. And when it comes to long-term psychological damage, I find current theories provocative but over-generalized and unsubstantiated.

Some of the more popular books - "Silently Seduced", "Sexual Addiction and Covert Incest", and especially "The Emotional Incest Syndrome - What to Do When a Parent's Love Rules Your life” – make articulate arguments for a long list of emotional and sexual impairments. But when you are told that as a result of covert/emotional incest a child can become either over or under sexualized, insecure or narcissistic (part of the same personality type anyway), develop a love/hate relationship with the offending parent, become compulsive or addictive (again part of the same personality type), or guilty and confused over personal needs, then you have covered just about all the bases of possible dysfunctional results and the term becomes a catchall, watered down diagnosis.

Then there is the matter of definition; “using a child to meet a parent's own unmet emotional needs”. What child has not been used to meet a parent's own unmet emotional needs? The reason to have children in the first place usually fulfills unmet emotional (or in earlier times financial) needs. I realize that it is the degree of use involved, and that it is specifically using the child "as a partner", but that still covers too much blurred emotional territory in the average family unit. That is because parents - like everyone else - are flawed human beings. And their boundaries, except in the most rigid of environments, falter, resulting in their children periodically being used, manipulated, leaned on, guilted or shamed into situations which challenge their sovereignty and emotional health. Furthermore, it is extremely difficult to quantify what is the amount of misuse of roles after which long-term damage occurs. Children come into the world with different temperaments and genetic variation. What might destroy one child can make another stronger. When an action never makes one stronger, as in the case of sexual incest, then you have a clearer diagnosis.

Having said all this, I am not dismissing "covert/emotional incest" altogether. I am however, questioning it as a separate diagnosis from emotional abuse. And I am also questioning how to treat it. Emotional Abuse creates trauma and distrust. It undermines a person's self esteem and ability to enter into and maintain intimate relationships. When you have been hurt and betrayed by those who were closest to you, those who were supposed to protect you and teach you how to function in the world, then you become emotionally handicapped in so many ways. Instead of creating more provocative diagnoses, let's look at each individual and deal with their specific pain and their specific deficits. Let's refrain from continually categorizing people’s pain. When we do that, we miss their humanity, their specialness, and possibly their particular strategy for strengthening self-agency.

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT
December 29, 2011

When the Abused Becomes the Abuser

Wed, 26 Oct 2011 16:33:10 -0700

It doesn't always happen. But it happens to a large enough degree that it can be referred to as commonplace. A number of studies indicate that between 30 - 70% of young abusers (physical or sexual) have been sexually abused themselves (Bentovim and Williams 1998). Statistics on adult abusers who were sexually abused as children are lower - approximately 10 - 22%. However, I suspect that a much larger percentage of adults who have been sexually abused as children have developed coping and/or relational styles that are abusive - if not to others, then certainly to themselves. It doesn't sound shocking to say that someone who was abused as a child may become self destructive as an adult. But how far off is that from abusing others? The point here is that children who were abused are taught to abuse as a way of communicating and connecting. And many times their primary role models, their parents or other family members, are the ones who taught them this.

Why would anyone repeat behavior that has hurt him or her so profoundly? Almost no one consciously sets out to become abusive. The behavior is handed down over the generations because it is learned behavior. The behavior feels familiar and it feels like home. It is instinctive; furthermore, the abuser may not know any other way to behave. Adults who have been abused as children by their loved ones mix up love and abuse. It is both a natural (for them) way to communicate and a release of anxiety - the anxiety surrounding the original abuse. It is a way to turn the tables and finally have a sense of power or control in their intimate relationships. Many times, they are able to cover up their behavior from the outside world and only exhibit abusive tendencies with those closest to them. That's either the way it was with their original abuser or it is a way to carry on the secret that they have lived with their entire life.

Abused children grow up with low self-esteem. Many feel inadequate. They wonder if they deserved to be abused. Oftentimes, their abuser convinced them that they deserved the abuse at the same time that they told them they loved them. Deep down abuse survivors don't believe that they deserve a healthy, loving relationship - if they even know what that looks like.

At the same time, they carry a lot of anger about what happened to them. The world is not a fair place. Their defense systems, while initially traumatized, have now become over-reactive. They are in a constant state of “fight – or – flight”. Their automatic defense systems are driving them to attack before getting attacked. By becoming the abuser, they can now play the powerful role in this relationship. And maybe they even believe that by doing so they can make it right this time and thereby heal themselves.

Finally, if love is tied into abuse by early experience, then the abuse survivor might even feel more alive when they are abusing themselves or others. They may be sexually aroused by abusive behavior - especially if their young bodies responded sexually to their abusers. Physically abusive behavior and sexually abusive behavior become intertwined.

Childhood emotional abuse is also carried into adult abusive behavior. As is usually the case with this type of abuse, it is more complex, more difficult to identify and more varied in the resultant behavior. And there are less studies and statistics. But there are some common signs of an emotional abuser:

1. Verbally abusive and demeaning behavior
2. Constantly criticizing and demanding
3. Emotionally withholding and undermining
4. Using negative labels and pathologizing other peoples' behavior.
5. Showing little or no compassion and minimizing others feelings while describing themselves as the victims.
6. Discounting the reality of the other or "Gaslighting" - making others feel as if they are crazy.

Childhood emotional abuse victims become adult abusers for the same reasons that those who were sexually or physically abused become adult abusers. But they have even lower self-esteem (see my article on Emotional Abuse) and may try and cover it up by verbally attacking others before they themselves are exposed as "worthless individuals".

So how do we help someone break the cycle of abuse?
Abusers have to first become aware of what they are doing. And then they have to want to change. As anyone who has been in an abusive relationship knows, this is an extremely difficult task. Abusers are well defended in their behavior. They honestly believe that they are the victims not the villains - and at one point, as children, they were, so they are partially correct. Their sense of reality has been skewed all of their life and changing would involve psychologically reorganizing a life-long pattern of socialization. Never engage abusers, this is what they want and need. All that one can do is calmly point out the hurtful behavior that he/she is experiencing and silently walk away. If the truth is recognizable enough, the abuser may then try and understand their role in what went wrong.

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT
2011

Treating Abuse And Trauma

Fri, 26 Aug 2011 18:19:40 -0700

"Therapists who work with adults abused as children have one overriding goal, that is to repair the client's self-image. Once the client's self image is repaired, he or she is on the road to full recovery."
Eliana Gil - Treatment of Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse

If you think it happened, it probably did.

Many times clients are ambivalent about the therapeutic process. Why treat abuse? It’s so painful; I just have to block better. If you could block it better you wouldn’t be here in the first place. The primary reason to treat your abuse is because in addition to limiting and impairing your own life, if you don't deal with your abuse, you may very well repeat it with your own or other children.

At the same time that we begin to treat the trauma we need to help clients understand what happened to them psychologically when they were abused.

Their boundaries were violated.
Their sense of control in the world was undermined
It was confirmed to them that they were powerless
It gave them the message that they were of little value and were meant to be used.
It created shame and guilt - they were a part of something ugly and it kept happening - maybe at some point they even allowed it or liked it. They made a pact with abuse in order to survive.

That last point is very powerful - whether they disassociated, started to manipulate the survivor, responded inappropriately to the abuse or found some other means to get through it - they now blame themselves for their survival instincts. The self-loathing is very intense.

If they did try to tell someone and they weren't believed, or if they were punished for attempting to tell the truth, they were further traumatized, and it was confirmed that they were worthless and dirty. Ever since then they have felt as if there is something inherently wrong with them - this belief isolates them. They can't allow anyone to get too close because they will discover what a worthless, evil person they are.

If you were abused - your true feelings and instincts were shut down.
You may feel that your primary worth is sexual and use it as a weapon or you may totally cut off from sex and your sexuality.

If you were also severely emotionally abused, there may be no sense of primary worth. Research shows that the lowest self-esteem is found among those who have been emotionally abused, next come the sexually abused, and the least affected are those who have been physically abused (except of course in extreme conditions). Adult survivors of sexual abuse can go on to lead successful "outer" professional lives - adult survivors of severe emotional abuse have a much harder time navigating their external, professional lives.

Trauma resolution goes hand in hand with treating the psychological problems caused by childhood abuse. Trauma resolution is a kind of repair process that parallels the process of development. In adult survivors, development has been blocked. These clients must be helped to complete the developmental process. The therapist acts in some respects as a parent, providing a corrective experience.

Recovery from trauma unfolds in three stages:

The central task of the first stage is the establishment of safety.

The central task of the second stage is remembrance and mourning. The therapist must help the patient move back and forth in time, from his/her protected anchorage with you in the present to immersion in the past, so that they can simultaneously re-experience the feelings in all their intensity while holding on to the sense of safe connection (with you) that was initially destroyed during the traumatic moments of the past.

While this is going on it isn't enough for the therapist to be neutral or non-judgmental about the abuse or their abusers - it is enormously important for the therapist to affirm a position of moral solidarity with the survivor. You have to be the believer, the supportive parent, the witness that makes them finally feel understood and validated and not alone! The two of you construct a new interpretation of the traumatic experience that affirms the dignity and value of the survivor. This is the re-birth, the point where we can help them pick up where they left off in the original developmental process.

The central task of the third stage is reconnection with ordinary life.

Per the psychologist Mary Harvey, there are seven criteria for the resolution of trauma:

1. The physiological symptoms of PTSD are brought within manageable limits - and I will come back shortly to how that is done
2. The person is able to bear the feelings associated with traumatic memories.
3. The person has enough authority over his/her memories to be able to elect both to remember and to put memory aside.
4. The memory of the traumatic event is a coherent narrative, linked with feelings. If the memories are implicit, then it is necessary to build a narrative around what they suspect happened and link that narrative with the feelings.
5. The person's damaged self-esteem has to be restored.
6. The person's important relationships need to be re-established.
7. The person has constructed a coherent system of meaning that encompasses the story of the trauma - simply put she/he makes sense of it and of the people involved - those involved passively as well as actively.

This brings me to the enabling parent.
Clients come in hating the abuser but a lot of times they realize that they are much angrier with the parent who let them be abused by not noticing. Because as they come to see it - the abuser couldn't help himself - the enabling parent knew better and should have done something about it.

How do people initially survive abuse?

1. Splitting - black and white thinking - good father and bad father or complete disassociation - there is a lot of disassociation among abuse survivors
2. Forgetting
3. Denying
4. Minimizing

How do survivors cope as adults?
1. Addiction
2. Eating disorders
3. Cutting
4 avoiding intimacy
5. Workaholism
6. Compulsively seeking or avoiding sex
7. Depression, anxiety, & Personality Disorders (Dissociative and Borderline, in particular)
8. PTSD - automatic triggers:
So how do we help bring those within manageable limits? Here is a four-step model:
STOP and become aware.
CALM yourself
AFFIRM your present reality and take time to try and figure out what set you off
CHOOSE a new response if possible. Or if another person is present - you may want to remove yourself.

At some point, partners get confused with abusers. Partners can help survivors identify triggers to automatic responses and they can figure out together what the survivor needs from the partner -i.e. To be held, to be talked to, to be encouraged to express feelings, to be allowed to stay inside your body without minimizing your feelings or yourself for feeling them

In summation, there are eight stages of recovery:

1. Deciding to do something or realizing that you can't go on like this anymore
2. Breaking the silence - with another individual (not necessarily the abuser) or with your therapist
3. Confronting the past through therapeutic processing (oftentimes memories emerge and so this can be the most frightening stage)
4. Stopping the minimization, believing that it happened and beginning to trust yourself in the process
5. Grieving the loss and getting past the pain
6. Understanding that it wasn't your fault - beginning to forgive yourself - starting to nurture yourself and take care of the child within.
7. Deciding whether or not you want or need to confront the abuser and doing so if it is necessary. I personally don't believe that you need to confront to get past it - ultimately; it’s the survivor who has to make that decision. 8. Reclaiming your life and moving forward.

"Change involves accepting our intrinsic vulnerability"
"Once we identify the ways we replicate past abuse, we can begin to reduce the mystery and power our impulses have to control us.”
Wendy Maltz - The Sexual Healing Journey

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT
2011
http://www.roniweisbergross.com

Group Therapy for Adults Abused As Children

Fri, 24 Jun 2011 13:45:44 -0700

Group therapy can be the most nurturing and also the most challenging form of therapy. It is highly effective. While it doesn’t replace individual therapy, it can be a great adjunct and a final step in the healing process.

Group therapy is very relevant for survivors of childhood abuse and in fact for any traumatized individual. Isolation and separation from communal support is a primary characteristic of trauma, and that is exactly what group therapy provides. Enduring recovery cannot occur in isolation, it can only take place within the context of relationships. The group serves as a symbolic societal witness to each victim’s experience, as it is retold and relived in the group process. Fundamental societal functions – being made to feel safe and seen, sharing emotional distress, validating one’s experience, minimizing shame, recognizing and encouraging strengths and taking personal responsibility are now played out within the group interaction. The successful group environment provides a corrective emotional experience in which past dynamics of self-blame, lack of trust, and silencing of the victim will be evoked and then worked through. These groups offer a quality of support and understanding that is simply not available in the survivor’s regular social environment.

Learning that one is not alone or hopelessly defective is of prime importance in the recovery process, and it is facilitated by a high degree of similarity between group participants. There are two kinds of groups for trauma victims - the homogenous group and the heterogeneous group. The former provides the most similar types of participants (i.e. female rape victims); the latter provides a strong connection of shared emotional experience among different types of individuals and different types of trauma. I lead a heterogeneous group. It is composed of both females and males, young and old, who have experienced any type of childhood abuse (sexual, physical, emotional).

Judith Herman, in her seminal book, “Trauma and Recovery”, proposes a three-stage model of recovery from trauma – first safety, then remembrance/mourning, and finally reconnection. She recommends individual therapy for the first stage, homogeneous group therapy for the second stage and heterogeneous group therapy for the third stage. It is my belief that you can accomplish the first two stages in individual therapy and then move on to a heterogeneous group for the third stage.

Over the years we have had group members with various personality disorders, personality types and different operational defense systems. By personality disorders I am referring to diagnoses such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, etc. By personality types and operational defense system I mean the way in which people interact, communicate and react to others – outgoing, shy, aggressive, pleaser, perpetual victim, passive- aggressive, splitting, projective identification, etc. What is important about these differences is that the outside world is also composed of these types of people and behaviors - and more. The group allows for “trying out” different approaches to being effective and finding one’s voice in the world. Group therapy affords members the opportunity to see how they affect others and how others perceive them without the fear of negative consequences. While group members are supporting each other in the healing process, they are also helping each other become the people they want to be. That is the empowerment of the survivor.

“The restoration of a sense of connection to others that comes with increased trust and communication with self and others is the greatest gift therapy can bring to someone in despair.” (Herman, 1992) Group therapy offers that gift.

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT
2011

Loving Your Abuser

Fri, 15 Apr 2011 21:46:20 -0700

Recognizing you are being abused is difficult when you love the person who is abusing you. This is true for both children and adults. The mind will go to great lengths to protect a person who cannot emotionally accept that they are being abused. The greater the abuse, the more elaborate the strategy the brain employs.

In the case of children, there is nothing to compare the behavior to – how do you know it is abuse? Maybe this is common or maybe I deserve it? It is far easier to blame oneself for what is happening than to believe that the person who is supposed to be taking care of you is hurting you – that the person you love may be evil. It is far easier to believe that if only you had behaved differently, the result would have been different, rather than the realization that you are a victim of a great injustice outside of your control, and it may never end. And it is even more complicated than that.

What if the abuse is subtle and infrequent and your abuser otherwise takes good care of you and seems to love you? What if later, even as an adult, you are not sure that it was actually abuse but something more ambiguous? And what if, not only the abuser, but also other family members, tell you that you are crazy – you just imagined these things? Now you are taking on everyone you love. Can you be sure? Can you emotionally handle losing your whole family? These are the obstacles and the questions that many childhood victims of abuse have to confront.

When a client is emotionally resisting or cannot clearly remember what happened as a child, we sit in that space of “not knowing”. How does not knowing affect your life? Usually, if you cannot be sure of what happened in the past - or if you’re not even sure that anything at all happened - then that uncertainty infects other areas of your life in the present, oftentimes resulting in your distrusting your instincts in all matters. How can I be sure of anything if I can’t even be sure of something that traumatic – that fundamental a betrayal?

Adults in abusive relationships find meaning in the reasons why they stay. And only when they can no longer fool themselves or they find other resources, do they leave. When an abused adult is asked “how could you or how can you love your abuser, he/she can rationalize their feelings. Children never have a choice. So adults abused as children may be able to intellectually rationalize the past, but that doesn’t stop the guilt and shame they experience for having been part of the abusive relationship. And if it was a parent they still love, they are further burdened with the self-denigration of continuing in a relationship with their abuser and caring about them now.

Many people are under the impression that in order to heal the past you must confront your abuser. I have found that while many times that works, sometimes it makes no difference at all – or worse yet, can further complicate the healing process. And the difference isn’t simply whether or not you want to continue having a relationship with that person. It’s true that if you don’t presently care – and I don’t mean hate, which is a feeling – but actually don’t care about your abuser, it will probably feel cleansing. But cleansing is different than closure. That can only be realized once you forgive yourself and are no longer psychologically held back by the past. If you do still care about this person, if you still want to have this person in your life, then it really depends on what you are hoping for by confronting them. The ideal scenario is that your abuser (and whoever else covertly aided them by looking the other way) recognizes and acknowledges how they have hurt you. The more likely scenario is denial or minimization on their part and therefore more frustration, self-doubt and self-loathing for you. It is not the abuser(s) who needs to be forgiven; it is the abused - and only by themselves.

When the abuse has taken place within the nuclear family, some clients have asked me – “Do I have to walk away from my family in order to heal? Because I can’t walk away from my family, I love them.” The answer lies in the question. The burden is yours to carry. If you still love them then you have accepted their limitations. If you still love the actual abuser, then you may understand something about them that we don’t. And if they are not continuing to hurt you, then the choice is yours to make.

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT
2011

Elder Abuse, Alzheimers and Our Aging Population

Tue, 15 Feb 2011 17:02:44 -0800

While taken seriously enough to be a legally reportable offense categorized alongside child abuse as either a misdemeanor or a felony - elder abuse does not seem to be taken as seriously by the public. Perhaps elders do not appear to be as helpless as children, but many times they are. And if helplessness is the yardstick, how does it account for the fact that domestic violence, which is not legally reportable, arouses more consternation and receives more attention and media coverage. Perhaps it’s because of national neglect in respecting, supporting and caring for elders in general. Whatever the explanation, elder abuse is on the rise and in the coming years will become pervasive due to an exploding elder population and the simultaneous increase in Alzheimer’s – a disease that ravages the mind and turns elders into confused, unruly and dependent children.

What constitutes Elder Abuse? It is the physical, sexual, emotional and/or financial abuse of older people (over 65 years), usually by family members or caretakers. Abuse occurs in both isolated settings and in nursing institutions by staff members. “Whether the behavior is termed abusive, neglectful or exploitative will probably depend on how frequently the mistreatment occurs, its duration, severity and consequences.” (World Report on Violence and Health) It can happen for a variety of reasons – a debilitating physical or mental illness and/or unwanted long term proximity to the elder which wears down the family member or caretaker as well as greed, anger or money problems in the case of financial abuse. It is a growing problem presently affecting hundreds of thousands of elderly people in the United States, yet it is estimated that only one out of 14 incidents are reported.

In 2010, the eldest baby boomers turned 65. During the next 30 years this population – one of the largest segments of our society - is on track to live longer and more than double the cases of Alzheimer’s disease in the U.S. “An estimated 10 million American baby boomers will develop Alzheimer’s in their lifetime placing enormous strains on the U.S. health-care system and the already overburdened network of caregivers, a new report predicts.” (Washington Post, 3/18/2008) Presently, there are 5 million Americans living with the disease – not all of them elders. With this statistic in mind, elder abuse will increase exponentially. Why? Because people afflicted with this disease are difficult to take care of and easy to exploit.

A recent article in the New York Times entitled “The Financial Time Bomb of Longer Lives” focused on age related expenditures by government. The demographic shift that is taking place – “ for the first time in history, people aged 65 and over are about to outnumber children under 5 “ – means that this group is likely to shape the future of our national economic health and financial policies. Having to care for and support our elder family members will impact health care, housing, jobs, business policies, retirement and retirement funding, environmental issues and education. We will no longer be able to ignore this population. We are going to have to take them very seriously and begin to adjust our institutions or we will drown under the enormous economic and emotional burden they create. To begin with, we need to make psychological shifts so that elders are no longer perceived as a burden and potential debt load but as viable, valuable individuals with a lifetime of experience and wisdom to offer. This “attitude adjustment” will have the added benefit of reducing elder abuse.

To address the impact in more tangible ways we have to take a look at the institutions presently in place and begin to alter them so that they will more effectively accommodate this population. Health care, residential centers, community services, support groups, non-profit and private sector jobs, and education for caretakers to stem elder abuse are all areas where attention, growth and transformation are required. We can no longer stick our heads in the sand and continue to view elders’ needs as a personal problem confined to their immediate family. They are a significant part of our society. They are living longer, growing larger and the concurrent health and financial problems are looming - threatening to unravel our social fabric.

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT
2011
http://www.roniweisbergross.com

The Emotional Life of Adolescent Abuse

Fri, 3 Dec 2010 20:29:16 -0800

The following words and poetry were written by Kallel Hunter. She has graciously allowed me to share them with you.

My name is Kallel and I am 13 years old. I live in the U.K. and have Irish, Jamaican and Barbadian in me. I also have two sisters and 3 brothers. I am the eldest. We don’t live together anymore. Two are living with my mum in Birmingham; one is living with her mum (my granny) in Leicester and two are living with me and my dad and my step mom.

Living with my mom was like keeping a secret and living two lives. She drank and made us lie to everyone. She called us unpleasant names and moved us around all the time. She used me as a slave, used emotional blackmail and made us risk our education – all for a fool she followed around. Living with my mum was draining me and finally, I had to leave. Many people didn’t know and still don’t know the real reason I left. I’m not doing it out of spite, I just want to better myself and not feel so negative anymore.

The things that inspired me to start writing poetry were mainly my emotions and to try and understand things around me – mainly my mum. Poetry to me is like a friend to talk to, but with my emotions – which is a good thing and I enjoy doing it. Sometimes it’s not good things that inspire people. But what I find is that whatever inspires a person, they have the power to change it in to something positive.

THE TONGUE

People are always talking
But they don’t listen to what they say,
Too scared to face up to people
So their spiteful tongue just rolls away
Words will never hurt you
That’s what you all expect
Then after it’s like bruises and scars
A pain you’ll never mentally forget
It stays in your head
But repeats in your mind
Twists your personality
As you blame yourself all the time
The words are like an emotional vampire
That brings you to defense
But too late!
It has already drank most of
Your happiness and made you feel useless
And stressed
We have got a whole dictionary
Of right words to use
So why do we sometimes choose
Wrong?
Next time you speak to somebody
Think before you use your powerful tongue!

IT WAS YOU!

It was you!
That destroyed me!
Made me disheveled
Left me on the ground
It was you!
That weakened me
And had a firm grip
To drag me down
All these years I was blinded
Thought you were always there
To love me, to hold me
But selfishly didn’t care
You! Compulsive liar
A tongue that slithers in your moth
Every lie is an excuse why
You can’t unleash me out
Try to make me heartless
While you were in control
As your jealousy and hatred
Sinks sluggishly
Into your precious
Soul

BEHIND YOU

When you are walking on the road
Don’t feel like you are all alone
Because I’ll be with you, every step,
Behind you
Every step you take, and every direction,
I will give you guidance and amour you
With protection
Because I’ll be with you every step
Behind you
Trust in me, believe in me, and have faith
As my blanket of love will promise
Not to break away
In the journey of life, distractions
Can make you fall
But my love will still go on
Just know I’m here to call
In the journey of life, you figure
Things out for yourself
I’ll be guarding you
Whenever you need help
No matter what you say or what you do
I’ll be with you
Every step behind you

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT
2010
www.roniweisbergross.com

How Trauma Shapes Sexuality

Mon, 4 Oct 2010 14:34:19 -0700

Why would a woman who was sexually abused as a child have rape and submission fantasies that sexually excite her as an adult? Why would another woman who suffered physical abuse as a child now enjoy role-playing dominant/submissive sex games? Why would a man raped or taunted by classmates as an adolescent now be unable to perform sexually or another man who was repeatedly berated by an emotionally abusive parent now not be able to approach women socially or sexually? These scenarios are not unusual; in fact, they are among the most common examples of how childhood trauma can shape adult sexual behavior.

Various studies (i.e. Wolfe, Gentile & Wolfe, 1989) have confirmed higher rates of Post Traumatic Stress (PTSD) in sexually abused children. These survivors display re-experiencing symptoms, including intrusive thoughts and flashbacks and becoming involved in relationships that repeat the sexually abusive behavior they originally suffered. Additionally, it is estimated that “about four out of five abuse survivors experience disturbing sexual fantasies” (Wendy Maltz M.S.W.) which color their sexual predilections. Maltz says that it is not surprising that the repercussions of abuse manifest themselves as issues of sexuality, since it was sexuality that was abused in the first place.

When we experience trauma in life, we associate those emotions with certain sensations and thoughts that were present during the traumatic episodes. So if our young, innocent bodies instinctively responded to coercive sexual acts – acts that we really didn’t understand or acts that confused us because of how and with whom it was happening – then we might later, as adults, unconsciously connect the event with the feeling (the body remembers). Consequently, coercive sex could actually become a signal to the body to respond sexually, even to the point of orgasm. In fact, “some survivors find that their only path to sexual release is fantasizing victimization.” (H. Smith, 2009).

There are a host of factors that contribute to the eventual sexual behavior of adult survivors, including degree of abuse, duration of abuse, abuser’s relationship to the victim, age when abused, rituals involved and whether or not the abuse became public knowledge and then how it was then dealt with by other parental figures. Some adult survivors avoid sex; others engage in it promiscuously, while others simply numb themselves (or disassociate) during sex. Those are among the most common general reactions that survivors have to sex. But there has been very little research about how the abuse specifically shapes the sexual desires and fantasies of victims. One such study conducted by Meston, Herman & Trapnell (1999), showed a relationship between early abuse and adult sexual behavior in the following areas – frequency of masturbation, range of sexual fantasies, masochism, promiscuity and voyeurism.

Another study by Finklehor & Browne (1985) – the most comprehensive study to date – identifies a “theory of sexual traumatization”. Briefly, the theory posits that through a variety of means, childhood sexual abuse shapes sexuality creating unusual emotional associations to sexual activities and a repertoire of sexualized behaviors that seem inappropriate or disturbing. These behaviors may have been learned during the period of abuse or in some manner are associated with the abuse and are now used as a strategy for manipulating others. What the theory didn’t state is that they may now also be used as a way to self stimulate.

More empirical evidence could help survivors with the shame and guilt they experience over both their sexual reactions during the abuse and their sexual behavior (inclinations) later.

Roni Weisberg-Ross L.M.F.T.
2010
http://www.roniweisbergross.com

Self Abuse - I Hurt Therefore I Am

Mon, 19 Jul 2010 17:42:31 -0700

How can I hurt myself? Let me count the ways. But first let me distinguish between hurting myself and abusing myself. Hurting myself - self-harm is a term commonly used for physically abusing oneself by cutting, self inflicting blows, pulling out hair (Trichotillomania) skin or nails, starving or food misuse, extreme piercing, or purposely burning ones’ self. Abusing myself - self-abuse covers the entire spectrum of self-destructive behavior, which includes emotional and psychological abuse and unconsciously or indirectly exposing oneself to physical harm via reckless or dangerous behavior. Addiction is viewed as a symptom rather than a cause of self-abuse, but many addictions (i.e. any kind of substance abuse, unsafe sex and even gambling) can become a reckless behavior that leads to physical harm.

When people act in ways that seem abusive to themselves, we shame them. We disparage them as weak, selfish, suicidal. Sometimes we even ostracize them. Thus we are further punishing those who are already punishing themselves. But what do we gain from that reaction? Does this stop the self-abusive behavior? Does it make the underlying issues that instigated the self-abuse disappear?

Self-abuse is an acting out of negative emotions – but it is not about wanting to die or about wanting to hurt others. It is about trying to cope, trying to live. Why do people act out in this manner? It’s because the self-abuse is a recreation of abusive situations from the past that shaped these people. The feeling of being abused is familiar and connotes a way of communicating, because the people who abused them originally were probably people that either loved and took care of them or were supposed to love and take care of them. Hence, self-abusive behavior now as an adult becomes a way of them taking care of themselves.

The betrayal (social, physical, emotional) of children by trusted adults has devastating consequences. And while childhood trauma contributes to the initiation of self-destructive behavior, the lack of secure attachments helps to maintain it.
Here is a young woman’s account of why she abuses herself. “It helps me cope and is a way for me to vent the self hate I was given by my abusers, which I now turn in onto myself. I want the outside to show how I feel on the inside, because I feel I deserve it; because life without abuse is so unfamiliar it’s terrifying; because if I don’t harm myself everyone will decide I’m OK and leave me alone and I am not OK.”
(“Healing the Hurt Within”, 1999)

While self-mutilation is directly linked to childhood abuse – drug and alcohol abuse is more complex. There are those who use substances to self medicate an undetected or undiagnosed emotional disorder (i.e. Depression, Bipolar Disorder, ADD, etc). They self-abuse to relieve psychic pain – but not necessarily pain that arises from childhood abuse. And in families with a history of substance abuse, there is the genetic component - albeit many times a more complex one than susceptibility to addiction. There may be several generations of emotional disorder that led to the substance abuse – most likely Depression.

Let’s look at how self-abuse relieves the suffering. There is a cycle to this behavior, and in a way it is similar to the cycle of domestic abuse:

The person is plagued by memories of past traumatic events or intrusive, shameful and unacceptable thoughts. They are reacting to a negative or faulty self-belief (schema) that tells them that they are bad and worthless.

These feelings are trapped inside and build – just like steam in an engine.

The steam (rage) builds to a point where it has to find release – the person feels as if they will explode.

The person either self injures or turns toward an addictive/compulsive behavior that temporarily dissipates the rage. While the person is in this state they may or may not be conscious of how their behavior is controlling them. They may or may not “feel the pain”. If they self injure, they either disassociate from the feelings or may actually want to feel the pain in order to externalize and concretize the internal psychic pain that they continually experience. Once they have acted out, there is a sense of relief – almost an orgasmic sense of relief. It will not last.

How can people counteract this cycle? First they must understand and acknowledge it. They particularly need to look at the negative, faulty self-belief that tells them that they are worthless and prods them on. Where did this belief come from? Where is the evidence that it is true? Does holding on to this belief serve any purpose or does it just keep me down? Is it truly my belief or the way those around me made/make me feel? If you can reflect on it and slow yourself at this point; if you can come up with a counterargument to the one that has always led you down this path; then you can begin to take back control of your behavior.

The goal is to develop a new relationship with yourself and alternative methods for self-care. This is not an easy road. It may take time. But the first step is always a desire to change.

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT
2010

Adult Bullies

Mon, 14 Jun 2010 21:35:25 -0700

“All cruelty springs from weakness” (Seneca, 4BC-AD65)
There are those who say that bullying is behind all forms of violence, conflict, persecution, abuse, harassment, discrimination and prejudice.

The recent death of Phoebe Prince, the 15-year-old Massachusetts girl who hanged herself after being harassed by a group of students in her school, puts a spotlight on bullying among teenagers. And there have been other notable child, teen and young adult cases, on and off the Internet (i.e. cyber-taunting on Face book), that come to mind when we think of bullies. However, it isn’t just children and teenagers who bully. Although it may not be as obvious or as easily identifiable, adult bullying may be more widespread. “Independent research suggests that bullying is happening to around 1 in 4 people” – regardless of age (“Life After Adult Bullying” – Internet)

Bullying is defined as “an act of repeated aggressive behavior in order to intentionally hurt another person, physically or mentally.” (Wikipedia) It is characterized as behaving in a manner to gain power over another person. And it is a form of abuse. I would suggest that if you rephrase the descriptive action from “repeated aggressive behavior” to “taking frustrations out” on those who are weaker or different, bullying becomes a much more commonplace and identifiable act. In fact, it is pervasive.

There are different types of bullies and different environments in which they proliferate. There are verbal bullies, physical bullies, serial bullies, Gang bullies, Cyber bullies, subordinate bullies, unwitting bullies, work bullies, sadistic bullies, and psychotic and sociopathic bullies. There are bullies at work, at home, in schools, in governments, in religious organizations, on the Internet, and in social cliques.

What all bullies have in common is the use of power to satisfy one’s own psychological shortcomings. Each time a bully moves against someone weaker, he/she feels better about himself for an instant. But because that feeling doesn’t last, they do it again and again. Sometimes the bully appears to lack insight into their own behavior (unwitting bully), but more often the bully does know but elects to ignore the moral and ethical considerations by which the majority of people are bound. The rules don’t apply to them. Or they have projected so much self-hatred on the other that they truly believe that those they are bullying deserve exactly what they are getting.

Why are there so many bullies in society? Because bullying in and of itself is not against the law. And most bullies commit non-arrestable offences. So it becomes unconsciously acceptable. It’s an outlet - a way to express frustration and/or rage and stay within the confines of the law.

There are adult bullies we can easily identify – Hitler was a bully, Racists are bullies and your boss may be one as well. Parents and older siblings have been known to bully. Certainly, gang members bully. But what about those who threaten, shame or intimidate you into doing things you don’t really want to do? It happens to most of us, and when it does, we are being bullied - even when it comes from a person or institution that you love, respect, admire – your government, your church, your girlfriend/boyfriend, a family member, a professional colleague. Sometimes there is a fine line between harmless coercion and bullying. But you can feel the difference. You know when you are truly ambivalent and therefore open to being talked into something vs. when you are being forced to act against your better instincts, wishes or values. And if you are being bullied by more than one person (i.e. an organization or group), it is even more difficult to stand up for yourself.

More insidious and pernicious is the type of bullying that has less to do with forcing you to do something you don’t want to and more to do with “putting you in your place”, minimizing or even destroying you in order to feel better about themselves. People do this consciously or unconsciously because of a hole inside of themselves that they try and fill by being better than someone else. It gives them a sense of power and authority in the world that they may not otherwise experience. It is a way to externalize their own feelings of insecurity, inferiority and rage by putting those feelings on someone else and then attacking them. Some bullying is so subtle that you can begin to believe the bully – they make you feel unsure of yourself - bad about yourself. They can even do it in the guise of friendship or love. It becomes more of a mind game than an outright violation. But it is bullying just the same. We will not be able to rid the world of bullies, but we can learn how to stand up to them.

The kind of people who bully usually have low self-esteem and a certain amount of resentment (envy, jealously) that pushes them to project their own feelings of inadequacy onto you while denying that anything is wrong with them. Not all bullies are serial bullies - sometimes the average person loses it under pressure and takes out their feelings in a bullying manner. But regardless of how or why it is happening to you, it is not acceptable.

How do you stand up for yourself against bullying? Recognize what is happening and remember that it is the bully who has the problem – not you – and that it can be dealt with. Unless they are physically threatening you, bullies are “paper tigers”. If you stand up to them calmly and confront their behavior rationally while asserting your rights, they will back down. If you call them out on their actions, they usually have no place to go – especially if others are witness to those actions. You don’t have to attack a bully; you don’t want to give them a reason to escalate by engaging in a heated or emotional manner. You simply have to resolutely stand up for yourself. You may be thinking that this sounds easier than it would actually be. So start slowly. If you can’t immediately stand up to a bully, at least don’t play into their behavior by trying to appease them. Let them know by your reaction that you are not cowed, and then quietly walk away. Think about what you want to say and either approach them later or wait until the next time they behave in that manner and then call them out on it. Bullies don’t have any real power. Once they realize that you won’t engage in their game and have exposed them, they will fade away.

Roni Weisberg-Ross L.M.F.T. 2010
http://www.roniweisbergross.com

Women Battering Men - The Other Side of Domestic Abuse

Wed, 12 May 2010 21:44:10 -0700

Let’s begin by talking about Domestic Abuse in general - how it is regarded and dealt with in our culture. As a psych intern I was taught that we must report Child Abuse, Elder Abuse, a credible threat by one individual to physically harm another or a credible threat by an individual to physically harm him or herself. So we do protect children, elders and people who are about to be harmed. However, unless a child was present during the time it was occurring, we are not allowed to report domestic abuse – only the parties involved can do that. What that means for me as a clinician is that I can defend an adult individual who is (possibly) about to be physically harmed, but I cannot defend an adult individual who actually was physically harmed. The logic here is that the individual should be able to stand up for him or herself. But a lot of the times that is simply not the case; and the reason it is not the case is that the individual may fear retribution, may be attempting to protect their partner or children, or may be so psychologically enmeshed that they don’t have the wherewithal to stand up for themselves. In the case of men who are abused, there is the additional factor of shame and not believing that anyone else will take their situation seriously.

Domestic Abuse has always been treated as a personal family issue, and the Womens Movement has publicized it as an issue of female oppression. It may be both but it is also much more. Just as Child Abuse and Elder Abuse are no longer considered just personal family issues but social and legal issues as well, so must the abuse of one partner by another. It’s time we reconsider the laws surrounding Domestic Abuse.

Now to the specific topic at hand. When we think of domestic abuse we mostly think of men battering women partners or men battering male partners and to a much lesser extent, women battering their female partners in a Lesbian relationship. But when it comes to women battering men, most people would say that they don’t really believe that can happen because men are physically stronger and therefore more capable of defending themselves. However, women do batter their male partners and in much larger numbers than anyone would have imagined.
In 2008, California led the nation in public awareness of this previously hidden Domestic Violence issue. And subsequently, in October of that year, “the California state courts ruled that battered men deserve equal protection under the law”. (mensnewsdaily.com/2008/10/17/domestic-violence-awarenes-month).

The California court ruling was based, in part, on empirical research undertaken by hundreds of social scientists. “This research has demonstrated that both men and women initiate Domestic Violence at roughly equal rates with some recent studies suggesting that the initiation rates for girls and women may be increasing. Furthermore approximately 40% of the physically harmed victims of Domestic Violence are men.”(MND.com) While we have a federal “Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), it may be time to replace it with a “Domestic Violence Act” that doesn’t discriminate against gender.

You wonder, how this is possible? It has taken years of advocacy and support to encourage women to report domestic violence. But virtually nothing has been done to encourage men to do the same. Because there is a widely held assumption that women are victims and men are perpetrators – it is embarrassing, almost unthinkable, for many men to consider reporting. It makes them look weak, ineffectual even laughable in other peoples’ eyes. And they don’t believe that much will be done if they do report. They are right. While it is true that the actual physical harm inflicted by women on men is usually not as severe as the reverse situation, the emotional, psychological damage can be even greater. “Mental and emotional abuse can be an area where women are often more “brutal” than men.” (D.V. Against Men). And when there are children involved, it is equally as negatively impactful as abuse against women.

Why do women abuse? For many of the same reasons that men abuse – alcohol and/or drug abuse, psychological disorders, and unrealistic expectations and assumptions. These women make unreasonable demands on their partners and attribute most of their depression, and frustration on them. They blame their partner rather than admit to their own insecurities, emotional problems, childhood traumas and current substance abuse. They want their partner to make them feel whole rather than take responsibility for their own lives. Making your partner a punching bag for your own insecurities and demons is gender blind. How the violence erupts though can be different between the sexes. With men, they commonly say “She made me do it”. With women it’s, “he doesn’t care, he’s insensitive – I wonder if he has any feelings at all. It is the only way I can get his attention.”

Why do men stay in abusive relationships? For many of the same reasons that women stay, they believe that it is their fault or that they deserve the treatment they receive. They are mentally, emotionally or financially dependent on the abusive female partner. Many men are afraid to leave their children alone with such an unstable person. They may also be afraid that they won’t be allowed to see their children or that she’ll turn the children against him.

It is no surprise that help for men who are victims of domestic abuse – and come forward - is not as prevalent as it is for women. There are virtually no shelters, programs or advocacy groups for men. For now, most abused men will have to rely on private counseling services.

If you are an abused male and need help, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE. Let them know you are out there.

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT 2010
http://www.roniweisbergross.com

Male Sexual Abuse of Boys

Fri, 9 Apr 2010 17:32:29 -0700

An examination of both the victim and the perpetrator.

Child sexual abuse is as much about power and domination as it is about compulsion. The object – female, male or both – is a reflection of erotic imagery and fantasy. But the action encapsulates repressed rage that treats the sexual act as a weapon against the victim. This is true of the incestuous relationship as well; although it is more likely here that the victim is the unintentional consequence, not the target, of these repressed forces.

As with subjects I have previously written about - men abusing girls, women abusing boys, women abusing girls, older children abusing younger children and now with men abusing boys, we see that the psychological underpinnings are very similar. In fact, the sex of the offender and the sex of the victim is always a secondary consideration to the physical and psychological impact of the misuse of power by a trusted authority figure on a much younger person. That said, there are differences in the way a young person processes and is able to come to terms with childhood abuse depending on their own gender and the gender of the abuser.

Over the past decade there has been an eruption of scandals surrounding sexual abuse of boys by Priests. Despite the public glare on these scandals, abuse of young boys is still generally under-recognized, under-reported and under-treated. Just like sexually abused girls, sexually abused boys grow up exhibiting guilt, anxiety, shame and low self-esteem. Frequently, they are self-destructive and even self-mutilating.

But what is different about the abuse of boys – especially boys abused by men – is that it often precipitates crises about sexual orientation and gender identity. This is related to shameful feelings of being less manly because they were victimized; and if the abuser was a male, then they fear it has affected, will affect or is an indication of their sexual orientation. Girls who are abused by women do not automatically fear that they are Gay, but with boys it is different. It has to do with a culture of male homophobia and what it means to be “Masculine”, which has created a lot of anxiety and fear in boys over the prospect of being Gay.

Masculinity is an ideal for men. Masculinity in our culture is recognized as heterosexual. Masculine men are not victims, they are aggressors. They cannot be penetrated; they penetrate. They do not have sex with other men. They have sex with women and they procreate. Masculinity is a key part of male gender identity - the public expression of sexual orientation. So once a boy has been victimized, penetrated and had sex with another man, with or without their consent, their masculinity is compromised and therefore their sexual orientation is called into question. There is such profound shame attached to this notion for most boys that men with sexual abuse histories often have severe problems relating intimately to both men and women.

If the boy grows up to be homosexual, he might wonder if it had to do with the abuse or else rationalize that it does. And it turns sex with men into a conflictive affair of desire vs. rage that many times leaves him emotionally numb. If the boy grows up to be heterosexual, he may either become homophobic and/or have constant anxiety about his sexual functioning (sexually abused men consistently score lower than sexually abused women on sexual self-esteem measures). This sense of inadequacy can make it difficult for many men to remain sexually intimate with a woman or even enjoy sex. In contrast, there are a significant proportion of abused men who can only relate sexually, using sex as a weapon or shield from more emotionally intimate relationships. “In addition to its self-soothing aspects, sexual compulsivity represents for many men a repetitive attempt at mastery over their original sexual victimization.” (Richard B. Gartner, 1999).

What about the abuser? Traditionally, male abusers of boys have been identified as homosexuals, thereby adding another slanderous tag to the gay male population and confusing the sexual abuse of boys with gay sex. But “Virtually all male abusers of boys consider themselves heterosexual” (Gartner, 1999). Pedophiles, even if they only abuse boy children, are different from homosexuals who like to have sex with younger men. There is a profound difference between sexual abuse and gay sex – one connotes control over a child, coercion, force, exploitation and abuse, and the other connotes a sexual choice and an encounter freely entered into by two adult males.

Most sexually abused children know their abuser. But even if it’s a stranger, the profile of a male abuser is fairly consistent. He is more likely to be heterosexual than homosexual, he himself was probably abused as a child, he has unusual fantasies and compulsions, the act is more about power and control than it is about sex, and usually a current stressor sets off the abuse.

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT
http://www.roniweisbergross.com
2010

SIBLING ABUSE – Children Abusing Other Children

Mon, 8 Mar 2010 20:13:40 -0800

Even though there can be life long debilitating psychological effects, sibling abuse may be the most ignored - if not accepted - form of domestic (i.e. sexual, physical, emotional) abuse. Why is this kind of abuse ignored or minimized? There is a lot that is swept under the rug in the guise of “sibling rivalry”. And American law does not consider this a prosecutable offense unless a child is turned in by their parent(s). In other words, parents would have to be willing to file an assault charge against their own child. So parents keep this type of abuse within the family. And a lot of the time, they even blame the victim.

First some statistics: In an article entitled “A Major Threat to Children’s’ Mental Health”, Hart & Brassard reported that “There is evidence that brother-sister sexual relationships may be five times as common as father-daughter incest”.
Finklehor and Baron, who are prominent researchers in the area of child abuse, state “sibling sexual abuse is prevalent in a remarkably large quantity of individuals from virtually all social and family circumstances.” And a survey of 796 undergraduates of six New England colleges found that 15% of the females and 10% of the males reported having some type of sexual experience involving a sibling (Sibling Abuse – Wiehe). In this same publication it states that parents are aware of sexual abuse among siblings 18% of the time, emotional abuse 69% of the time and physical abuse 71% of the time.

Sexual abuse aside, how do we define or recognize abuse among siblings? When there is an inequity in power between two adolescents and one uses control over the other to repeatedly hurt, threaten, or degrade, that is abusive behavior. Even name calling, and ridicule can wear away at a child’s self worth and self-esteem. “Children are especially vulnerable to degrading remarks because it is during their childhood years that they are developing a positive sense of self.” Unfortunately, most parents see this behavior as sibling rivalry. And while most emotional and even physical abuse, should and can be handled by parents rather than the law, first parents have to recognize that it is abuse.

Sexual abuse is another story. Most incidents of sexual abuse by siblings go not only unreported but also undetected by parents. Most times, the siblings themselves recognize that what is happening is wrong and certainly it is recognized by society as wrong. So unlike physical and emotional abuse, this should be easier to detect by parents. But most kids don’t tell. They don’t tell because the older sibling is an authority figure, or because they are threatened or scared, or because they don’t realize that it is abuse because they blame themselves as much as their sibling for what is happening. And unlike physical or emotional abuse, it is happening secretly because the older sibling knows that they have crossed a line.

What causes one sibling to abuse another?
1. Acting out anger at parents on sibling or acting out anger at an older sibling on a younger sibling
2. Parents overwhelmed by their own problems not paying attention.
3. Inappropriate expectations – older sibling given too much responsibility or freedom.
4. Mirroring parents behavior
5. Viewing the behavior as normal by parents
6. Socialization of males as dominant over females
7. Contribution of victim – “Research supports the hypothesis that the behavioral patterns of the abused child tend to invite further abuse” (Sibling Abuse – Wiehe) - it becomes a vicious cycle.
“It is important to note that this interactional cycle theory does not blame the victim!” Rather it identifies a pattern in order to treat and help prevent further abuse.

What are the long-term effects of sibling abuse?
Time does not necessarily heal. Adult victims of childhood sibling abuse generally have lower self-esteem and are overly sensitive and insecure. They have trouble with relationships and repeat the victim role in their other relationships. They can have sexual functioning problems. There is continued self-blame at the same time that anger at their perpetrator is played out with others.

So how do parents and other family members distinguish between abusive and normal (sibling rivalry) behavior?
1. Is it age appropriate?
2. Does one child appear to be a constant victim?
3. Is the purpose of the behavior – humiliation, sadism, to cause suffering, a result of a continual explosive anger?
4. Was the behavior planned, has it happened before, does the perpetrator feel remorseful?
5. Was property destroyed or animals abused?
6. The length and the degree of the behavior - one-time incidents, if serious enough (i.e. sexual abuse), can create a life long problem. Whereas name calling, ridiculing and even teasing if done consistently and at certain vulnerable ages (i.e. between six and seven years and/or between eleven and twelve years of age) can also create a life long problem.

We need to build awareness and educate families about the difference between abusive and normal behavior among siblings. Listen to children and believe them. Good supervision and encouraging openness about discussing sex while informing children to “own their own bodies” and respect others are simple, logical steps towards protecting our children from abuse by siblings, cousins and other children.

Roni Weisberg-Ross L.M.F.T 2010
http://www.roniweisbergross.com

The Enabling Parent

Thu, 11 Feb 2010 23:28:43 -0800

A while back, I jotted down some thoughts about a person I called “The Other Parent”. Since then, I’ve been collecting information and have concluded that there is a dearth of material on this subject. But I have expanded upon my initial ideas and hopefully this will lead to more research data in the future. These were my initial thoughts:

I’ve been experiencing a lot of counter-transference lately with my clients over “the other parent”; especially when the other parent is the mother. You may be wondering whom I’m referring to when I say the other parent. I’m referring to the parent who is not molesting their child in a household where a child is being molested. What about these parents anyway? Some of them really might not know, but if so, what planet are they living on? Most do know on some level but pretend not to. I’ll try not to sound too judgmental here; I’ll try and understand why this parent either has to look away and put up with the situation or else decides to in order to take the pressure off of themselves’. I realize that this other parent is missing something inside herself or himself that cleaves them to their mate. But regardless, I have an easier time empathizing with the molester whose compulsion drives them then with the pallid partner who is unable or unwilling to stand up for their child. It would be an oversimplification to say these other parents are weak and dependent. Perhaps many are. But I’m aware of some of them as being the rock in the household and/or the financial provider. And some of them pick their mates over their children even with the knowledge of what has taken place. I wish that I could come up with a diagnosis for “the other parent” so that I could find a way to understand them in my heart.

The more pressing need is to be able to meet my client emotionally in the place where they are; and usually what they want is to find some way to hold on to the other parent and justify their behavior. After all, that’s all they have left. I certainly understand that, but that is where my own counter-transference gets in the way. If I can’t find a way to understand the other parent, to find compassion for them, I can’t honestly guide my client along a path to reconciliation or co-existence. And what I really want to say is - give up. I want to be your good “other parent” and help you move on. That isn’t usually what they want.

Sometimes the other parent makes my work clearer by their rejection of the client. But for the most part, the other parent doesn’t want to have to look at their own behavior; they want to get along with everyone and have the family continue on in what they consider a normal manner. Remember it is the victim who is usually viewed as the “identified patient”; no one else in the family really wants to do any work on themselves. I can only wait for my client to finally recognize that they have become too healthy to make an inherently dishonest situation work.

Since I wrote those thoughts I have come to recognize that the parent I was referring to has a more active participation in the family dynamic – she/he is not the other parent but the enabling parent. Not only do a large percentage of them know, they collude. By their tacit approval they provide a cover for the molester and a shield for themselves. In the process, many of them construct a scenario so that the victim becomes the ostracized family member, the troubled outsider. This becomes their rationalization. This child is crazy, is a liar, is difficult, is unstable. This child is not who I wanted him/her to be, does not behave the way I expected my child to behave. I cannot let this child tear my family apart.

Perhaps the enabling parent recognizes disowned parts of themselves in this child. Perhaps the enabling parent is playing out a familiar scenario from his/her own childhood. Regardless, the enabling parent is not another victim of the abuser; he/she is an integral part of the fabric of this family. The abuser married the type of individual who enables them to be who they are. This is the only partner they could choose. Because even though it probably wasn’t all consciously planned, it was what the abuser needed and the only outcome possible. We pick the partners we need – not necessarily the ones we want.

There are parents who truly don’t know that their children have been abused – but probably not if the child has been abused over an extended period of time. And the parents who truly don’t know, leave and take the child (children) as soon as they do find out. When dealing with survivors, I have found that it is important to help them understand the entire family dynamic – no matter how painful – in order for them to truly heal.

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT 2010
http://www.roniweisbergross.com

Female Sexual Abusers - Who Are They? Part III

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 21:07:13 -0800

There weren’t a lot of statistics, because no one thought it was a problem. But then in 1990, Ramsay–Klawsnick found that adult females were abusers of male adolescents 37% of the time and of female adolescents 19% of the time; and in six studies reviewed by Russell and FInkelhor, female perpetrators accounted for 25% or more of those abused. In 1996, The National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect conducted a widespread investigation on the maltreatment of children. Of the three million children investigated, more than one million were identified as victims of abuse and of the one million, 12% were sexually abused. The sexual abuse of children by women, primarily mothers, once thought to be so rare that it could be ignored, constituted 25% (approximately 36,000 children) of the sexually abused victims. Furthermore, all of these statistics are likely underestimated because victims of this type of abuse rarely disclose. Finally, there is an alarmingly high rate of sexual abuse by females in the backgrounds of rapists, sex offenders and sexually aggressive men – 59% (Petrovich and Templer, 1984), 66% (Groth, 1979) and 80% (Briere and Smiljanich, 1993).

Why haven’t we, as a society, been aware of this problem? Most probably because women have been idealized as mothers and nurturers. They haven’t been viewed as sexual aggressors. And because they are caretakers and are expected to be emotional, warm and physical with children, no one notices or suspects them. Sexual abuse by women is rarely reported because their victims usually are their own children - who are dependent on them. Furthermore, these children either do not understand what is happening to them or do not think anyone will believe them. And for male victims, there is additional embarrassment and denial – they must have wanted it – men (boys) can’t be raped!

But women can be sexual aggressors. And even though the abuse they are capable of doesn’t conjure up violent images of attack and penetration, surveys show that women are capable of a different type of violence toward their victims, sometimes physical and almost always psychological and verbal. This abuse can penetrate the psyches of their victims more deeply because they are the one person who was never supposed to betray them.

What type of woman would betray her own child or another person’s child in such a manner and why? A profile of a female sexual abuser looks something like this: She would probably be a person with low self-esteem who may have had a history of severe emotional and verbal abuse and/or been a victim of childhood sexual abuse herself. In fact, a study by Fowler et al in 1983 maintained that 80% of incest offenders had been sexually or physically abused as children. There would be feelings of alienation and isolation and possibly the loss of a spouse or other adult partner. She might have a history of drug or alcohol abuse and less often a history of indiscriminate or compulsive sexual activity. There might be arrested psychosexual development; there might be a need to have power and control in some aspect of her life. But the common perception that any woman who does this has to be mentally insane is false. Only a minority of female abusers do not pass reality-testing measures. How the abuse takes place and with who may differ, but the personality type can be constructed from the above profile.

David Finkelhor, who has written extensively on this subject, maintains that there is a Four Factor Model, or to put it another way, there are four components that contribute in different degrees to child molestation:
1. Emotional Congruence – a satisfaction of emotional needs through the abuse of a child that is due to either arrested psychosexual development, immaturity or low self-esteem.
2. Sexual Arousal – probably due to familial conditioning through their own childhood abuse or early fantasy reinforced by masturbation.
3. Blockage – Age appropriate sexual opportunities have been cut off by either a traumatic sexual experience with an adult, sexual dysfunction, limited social skills or a marital disturbance such as the loss of a spouse. The latter has been described as a “Theory of Loss” phenomenon precipitating abuse.
4. Disinhibition – due to poor impulse control either because of substance abuse, a chaotic family background or psychotic mental illness.

There are women who are pedophiles and simply pursue children for the sex, but the female abuser usually falls into one of three categories:
1. Predisposed Offender - the abuser was herself abused as a child and she continues the generational pattern by abusing her own children. It is thought that she becomes an offender in an effort to resolve her own childhood sexual trauma.
2. The Teacher/Lover - she generally becomes involved with an adolescent male with whom she relates to as a peer. She may be looking for non-threatening emotional intimacy.
3. The Male- Coerced offender – she is being led by an abusive male who she is extremely dependent upon. But she may eventually initiate sexual abuse on her own.

While the public is periodically shocked into awareness by sensational revelations of the second and third type of female abuser (i.e. Hedda Nussbaum,
Mary-Kay Latourneau), it is the first type that we have to finally give a face to – she is the one that is quietly victimizing thousands of young children who have nowhere to turn for safety. And the children ARE young. Studies have concluded that women abusers victimize younger children than male abusers – probably because of their role as caretakers. If current research is correct and more female than male children are sexually abused, then it is logical to conclude that more girls may grow up to be sexual offenders themselves and there may be a significantly larger number of female sexual abusers than we had previously imagined.

It is up to us to put aside deep-rooted myths about females, and more specifically mothers, in order to deal with the widespread problem of child abuse and more accurately expose all types of child sexual abusers.

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT 2010
http://www.roniweisbergross.com

Mother Love/ Female Abusers Part II - The Psychological Impact on Daughters Who Have Been Sexually Abused by their Mothers

Wed, 2 Dec 2009 17:35:28 -0800

“There is no other closeness in human life like the closeness between a mother and her child. Chronologically, physically and spiritually, they are just a few heartbeats away from being the same person” *
This is the darkest secret of them all. It challenges societal expectations and myths more than any other form of sexual abuse. It infers sex between a mother and a daughter as well as homosexuality. It is the most difficult type of abuse to identify from the outside and the most under-reported. We are a society in denial. It happens much more than anyone would believe. And while it can be very subtle, most of the time it is not subtle at all, it co-occurs with physical abuse. It challenges our notions of how you define sexual abuse. But to the victim, it is very clear that something terribly wrong is occurring and that there is nowhere to turn for help.

In her seminal book, “Mother-Daughter Incest”, Beverly Ogilvie eloquently describes the societal view of the mother-daughter relationship:

“The mother–child bond has been called the essential human connection, one that teaches us how to love and without which we cannot be whole human beings. A mother’s love provides basic security, stability, nurturing admiration, cuddling, holding and kissing, caring, and acceptance. We receive courage, sense of self, the ability to believe we have value as human beings, and the ability to love others as well as ourselves, from the strength of our mother’s love for us when we are infants. As our first mirror of life, mother functions as protector, guide and interpreter.

A unique tie exists between a mother and daughter in our society, which is encouraged and supported through societal values. A young girl’s identification with her mother continues throughout life, thereby maintaining the mother-daughter relationship while establishing her identity. As women, society encourages us to carry our mothers with us in every breath, every decision, every success, and every failure. Our sense of self as a daughter is entwined with a sense of mother. We look to our mothers in terms of how we define ourselves, in terms of what it is to be a woman and what it is to be a daughter. In essence, there is a shared social role, a shared prescription for life, and shared philosophy. The inevitable modeling relationship between mother and daughter forges her image of herself as a woman, with a sense of basic trust that her mother gave her.”

One cannot, therefore, overstress the significance of the mother-daughter bond and how its betrayal decimates the victim.

Mother-daughter incest is the least understood of all types of sexual abuse. The mother-daughter relationship is characterized by boundaries that are less clearly defined than for mothers and sons and certainly than for fathers and daughters and fathers and sons. A mother’s physical and emotional control over her daughter is viewed tolerantly in our society; and displays of physical intimacy and emotional acting out are so acceptable, that it makes the identification of mother-daughter sexual abuse that much harder. But for those girls living through it, the devastation is unequivocal.

Since mothers usually are the primary caretakers and source of nurturance for their children -and especially their daughters - mixing these functions with sexual abuse leaves the survivor sickened, confused, full of self-loathing and with no sense of her own identity. While boys may have a male figure to turn to, these girls become fused with their mothers in a dark secret that turns their world upside down. In these abusive situations the focus of the relationship is the mother’s needs, including her sexual needs, with no consideration for the daughter as anything more than an extension of herself. The sex isn’t necessarily about sex; more often it is a generational handing down of abusive/incestuous relationships. But contrary to common belief that only mentally insane women are predators; just like with men, some of the most “respectable” appearing women (to the outside world) are preying on their children behind closed doors.

And with daughters it goes deeper than with sons. From birth a daughter models herself after her mother, and so she may not be allowed to discover where her mother ends and she begins. To be so enmeshed with ones perpetrator can be annihilating. For the mother daughter incest survivor, her core relational self, her self-structure has been denied because there is no safe, loving other to model. Essentially, the daughter has experienced the most extreme disconnection and violation because she has been physically, emotionally and sexually violated by the one person in her world who was supposed to protect, nurture and guide her. This is representative of a most severe form of psychological trauma, and in many cases it causes disassociation, detachment and freezing of emotions in the survivor.

“Many daughters possess aspects of their mother’s personalities, physical appearance, or interests. Some sexually abused daughters, however, may feel that their mothers have poisoned their potential to become healthy women. They may feel that parts of their mothers now live within them. Just as the daughters may come to loathe and mistrust their mothers, they come to loathe and mistrust anything in themselves that they believe comes from their mothers. These feelings can be profoundly disturbing. A daughter may feel that just as her mother was abusive to her from outside, the mother can now be abusive and destructive from inside her as well.” **

We need to bring this form of abuse out of the shadows. It is long overdue. We have to recognize that a problem exists, give it a face and find an avenue for these young girls to be able to reach out for help. The abuse itself takes many forms - from inappropriate touching or licking to masturbation to sodomy to enemas to pornography and/or making a daughter perform or watch others (i.e. her mother) perform sex with a third party. The list goes on. Dr. David Finkelhor, a noted researcher conceived of the following criteria to define child sexual abuse: it includes traumatic sexualization – premature and inappropriate sexual learning; betrayal – a violation of trust and dependency through activities and events; powerlessness – coerced by force, threats or deceit to submit to boundary violations and stigma – the secrecy causes the child to fear blame for the adult’s actions.

Because this type of abuse has been so minimized and marginalized, there is a dearth of reliable statistical research. But when surveys have been conducted, the results always point in the same direction. In 1996, the National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect investigated more than two million reports alleging maltreatment of more than three million children. More than one million of these children were identified as victims of abuse. Of these one million, 12% were sexually abused and of those sexually abused, mothers constituted 25% (approx. 36,000 children) of the perpetrators of the sexually abused victims. Furthermore, this statistic was considered to be underestimated due to the tendency of non-disclosure by victims.

We need to get past our preconceived notions of motherhood and recognize the full spectrum of female sexuality, behavior and emotions. We need to reach out and give the young victims as well as adult survivors of mother/daughter incest a clear voice and a way back to healing.

Roni Weisberg-Ross 2009
www.roniweisbergross.com

*Cheever as quoted by Lanese - “Mothers Are Like Miracles”
**Rosencrans – “The Last Secret”

MOTHER LOVE /Female Abusers

Mon, 9 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

“A Social Problem Does Not Exist For A Society Until It Is Recognized By That Society To Exist” – H. Blumer

The following is the first of a three-part series of articles:

It was in a high school literature class that I was first introduced to the Oedipus Complex, defined as “a boy’s unresolved desire for sexual gratification through the parent of the opposite sex, especially the desire of a son for his mother”. It was in a college film class that I was shown a famous French film entitled “Murmur of the Heart” which took the Oedipal theme and played it out in a contemporary middle class setting. In this film, the sensitive youngest son of a beautiful, tempestuous Italian woman is ushered into manhood by her as he recovers from a heart murmur at a countryside sanitarium. The film would have you believe that although mother and son both realized that they had crossed a forbidden line, neither was scarred by the experience, and that in fact the son was now able to go on and become a man. At the time, I never questioned the implications of this theme.

Mothers have been idealized for thousands of years. So the notion that the most trusted figure in our lives – the Madonna - could betray and abuse us sexually is particularly hard to fathom. And I would contend that that is the primary reason that this particular form of abuse has not been properly identified and addressed in our culture. Statistics, however, begin to set the record straight: A July 2000 Justice Department report found that “women account for 4 percent of those who sexually abuse children under 18 years of age, and about 12 percent of those who molest children younger than six years of age.” Mind you, these types of studies look at a prescribed definition of abuse – one that more readily fits the notion of the male as aggressor - and does not address other questionable (and damaging) behaviors such as parents (mothers) sleeping with children; bathing, fondling and massaging them; dressing and undressing in front of them; engaging in sexualized talk and making them touch them in inappropriate ways. And it is believed that abuse by mothers is so grossly under-identified and under-reported that these statistics only reveal a fraction of the problem.

Why is abuse by mothers so much more under-reported than abuse by fathers?
Because of the very nature of the relationship. Professionals consider mothers more trusted figures than fathers. And even if there is suspicion of abuse, there is likely not to be any physical evidence. Additionally, a mother’s actions can be more confusing because of her traditional role as the primary physical caretaker and nurturer. In many cases, the child’s family includes only the mother. What child would risk losing his/her only family? She may be the only one available for love and support?

In many instances of mother/son incest the abuse occurs because the son becomes a substitute for the non-existent father. His sense of protecting and taking care of her and being the “man” she needs becomes enmeshed in the abuse. And the type of abuse that takes place between a mother and son doesn’t always fit into social stereotypes. Society views sexual abuse as something violent or coercive and aggressive – and something that usually involves intercourse. But whether coercion is used or not, “if a child is introduced to a sexually stimulating behavior- which is inappropriate to his (or her) psychosexual and psychosocial developmental maturity – by a parent, it is incest and it is abusive” (C.A. Courtois, 1988).

For male victims the situation becomes even more complicated. Boys are less likely to feel victimized and/or to report sexual abuse, especially mother-son incest, because they either see the abuse as something positive (mother love) or they believe that it is either consensual or they are to blame. Especially, if they became stimulated and ejaculated, they believe that they wanted it. Furthermore, boys are more likely to internalize and not tell - in fact disclosure during childhood was the only sexual abuse variable that differentiated the genders in a study by Roesler & McKenzie (1994) – 31% vs. 61%. But the most significant finding in this study was that the long-term symptomological response to childhood abuse among adult male and adult female victims was similar – in other words – abuse has profound negative long-term effects for both sexes. This shatters another myth - that boys can handle incest or childhood sex and may even welcome it as a right of passage.

The psychological consequences of mother/son incest are significant.
Because boys don’t tell, they can experience a greater degree of shame, stigma and self-blame than girls. Especially in our current environment, where girls are encouraged to speak up, boys are left to hide something that cuts to the very core of their male hood. In his study on the Psychological Impact of Male Sexual Abuse, David Lisak says one of the most crucial aspects of the experience of male sexual abuse is “a fundamental loss of control: over one’s physical being, one’s sense of self, one’s sense of agency and self-efficacy, and one’s fate”. And yet, as one boy put it, “the thought of losing her was more frightening than her abuse of me.” Lisak refers to the helplessness, isolation and alienation boys experience as they grow up hiding their secret and “seeding the potential for a lifelong struggle with alienation from other people.”

In order to compensate for the feelings of victimization and helplessness that permeated their childhood, adult males abused as boys deal with their masculinity in one of two ways, they either become hyper-masculine and exhibit a lot of anger, especially in relationships with women, or they become passive caretaker types putting everyone else’s needs before their own and exhibiting little or no male ego. Either way they are fighting deeply ingrained feelings of masculine inadequacy. But possibly the most destructive long-term consequence of the abuse is the victim’s inability to trust and therefore to connect with other people. If you have been betrayed by the first and most important figure in your life, how can you ever trust anyone else?

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT 2009
http://www.roniweisbergross.com

Emotional Abuse: What it is and why it is so important to recognize

Fri, 9 Oct 2009 15:01:06 -0700

Sticks and stones may break my bones but … bullying and name-calling can emotionally scar me forever. Not the original ending to the classic verse, but probably the more accurate one. It seems that broken bones will heal far more quickly than a battered soul. Does this sound overly dramatic?

Not according to a study conducted by Florida State University and published in the Journal of Affective Disorders. It states that verbal abuse has been shown to produce 1.6 times as many symptoms of depression and anxiety among adults as those who have not been verbally abused. And those adults were twice as likely to have suffered a mood or anxiety disorder over their lifetime.

Verbal abuse is only one aspect of emotional abuse - the most common form of abuse, and perhaps the least clearly understood. That’s because emotional abuse is not a single or quantifiable act. It is difficult to chronicle or identify. It is both pervasive and can be very subtle – deeply affecting but harder to prove than sexual or physical abuse.

Emotional abuse is a series of repeated incidents – whether intentional or not – that insults, threatens, isolates, degrades, humiliates and/or controls another person. Emotional abuse in childhood is particularly devastating because a child’s sense of self is still not fully formed and therefore they are very receptive to what others say about them. When they repeatedly hear negative things about themselves from people that they trust, they develop a set of beliefs that shape their future identity. It has been shown that both verbal and non-verbal communication can create a powerful message. And emotional abuse can and usually does include both.

When a person is physically or sexually abused, they recognize that something wrong (bad) is happening to them. With emotional abuse, that might not be the case. Therefore, the person may be taking in hurtful and debilitating information without any filter. That is, their psyche is not defending them from the onslaught. In fact, they may even be telling themselves that they deserve what they are experiencing and that they are bad. This type of abuse consequently turns into a potent form of self-criticism. Survivors of emotional abuse are self-critical because they have internalized years of negative messages and they now believe it. Adults who have been emotionally abused as children are among the most self-critical – hence the degree of depression and anxiety found among this population.

Emotional abuse has classically been under-reported and its effects minimized. But this form of abuse cuts to the core of a person, attacking their very being. It can leave them feeling unworthy, undeserving, unlovable and insignificant. People who have been emotionally abused may have a hard time recognizing the importance of the abuse. Not only does our culture minimize it, it suggests that the victims themselves are weak, further victimizing them. Most abusers are not clearly identifiable bullies/abusers, and so it’s hard to point a finger or charge them with a crime. How then do we recognize and deal with emotional abuse?

Trust your own instincts and the instincts of others who claim to have been abused. If you/they feel it or can name it, attention must be paid. Respect your emotions. This abuse is insidious and can be very subtle. But it wears away at your self-esteem and sense of self. If someone has or is continually making you feel bad about yourself, scaring you or making you feel as if you are crazy, then even if they aren’t fully aware of it, they are abusing you. Just because emotional abuse is not treated as a crime doesn’t mean it isn’t serious.

Identifying your abuser and recognizing that nothing you did or did not do was the reason they acted the way they did, is an important first step towards healing. And if it is still going on in the present, remember that “trying harder” will not stop an emotionally abusive person’s behavior. You are not the problem! If you feel safe enough, you can confront them with the truth and see if they are ready to acknowledge their problem. If you don’t feel safe, then remove yourself from the situation – perhaps permanently.

Roni Weisberg-Ross LMFT 2009
www.roniweisbergross.com